In what do I take true solace?
In whom do I truly rely on for a shoulder to rest?
Am I really as confused as I feel I am, or am I just overwhelmed and overworked?
I work 7 days a week.
I don't know what my direction is, and I'm struggling with my compass, trying to decipher where it wants to point me.
I give a lot, I take a little, and I ultimately just continue to hope.
I hope that I can get where I want to be, though I'm not 100% sure where that is exactly...
This duality of mine isn't easy.
It's as complicated as things come, to say the least, and with the more comfortable I become with one side or the other, the more pressures that appear.
One can't make all others happy with their decisions.
One can try to make oneself happy, though others impact one no matter the amount of contingencies one plans for.
I want what I fear I can't have, and I am whom I fear won't be accepted; not entirely.
Complexity comes with many options, though, at great costs.
I thought I could rely on a singular entity outside of myself; that this shoulder was solid.
It really isn't... not entirely..
This shoulder doesn't know where it wants to go, nor what it wants to do.
This shoulder doesn't exude the feeling of confidence, nor ease my worries as it used to...
I doubt this shoulder... and it sucks that I do..
It's difficult to take comfort in something when little things make me feel more pressured, and the uncertainty of all things lingers in the shadow...
Sadly, that turns me away...
I can't help it, but I feel deterred...
When I feel like I don't have any power to control my direction, I feel lost.
When I feel like I don't have any influence over those who matter to me, I feel hopeless.
When I feel like my words fall on deaf ears, I feel small.
When I feel like I can't make the call for myself, and that its not "up to me", I feel trapped.
I hate feeling trapped; inside, I'll always be "uncageable".
"So... maybe I'm supposed to be... well... 'alone'..?"
...I can't help but have this thought creep upon me...
Just as one can't please everyone, nor can the duality of my essence be calmed or satiated.
When one half feels comfortable, the other is neglected...
..I just... I feel so confused...
...I feel my anchor tugging at the sea floor, and the creeping of a feeling inside of me...
I've always said that "if I don't feel 100%, and I doubt, I prefer to eject and avoid unnecessary issues".
This is the main issue... I don't want to eject. I want to weigh the anchor.
...But, as each day goes on, I feel less confident that I truly should where I have right now...
...I don't know...
Maybe I just need space?
Maybe I just need some time to figure things out?
Maybe I'm not sure what I want anymore...?
Maybe I'll never be sure...
...the more I feel wholly myself, the more I feel hopeless; the more I feel confused.
It doesn't matter what I do or say... I feel like its not up to me.
I'm always at the mercy of others, and it stirs aggression in me.
It stirs the feelings that I need to rebel and fight back, as I always have, and take command of my own direction.
..on the other hand, half of me recedes; wanting to shrink back and out of the way...
That said, I'm not sure I even know where my "own direction" is...
I just.. I want things to be simple...
I want my life to be as I've hoped for, for so long...
I want more time for the things that matter.
I want more time for me.
I don't get much of that anymore...
Before my "downfall" period, I had a lot of time to be carefree.
I didn't overwork myself, I stuck to schedules, was diligent enough in my schoolwork, and had a lot of social time, in activities and getting out of the house.
I would get exercise almost every day, and would see friends every weekend.
I would meditate, when I had the chance, and spend hours reading up on all of my interest, as well as digging into my favourite hobbies.
I had a lot of hobbies.
I would practice learning languages, and would write stories, scripts, plays, and novels.
I would film stupid projects with my friends, and upload them to the internet with the daydream that one day I'd make something great..
There's a lot I used to do.. wish I could do...
And then the bad times rolled in.
Once they passed, well, I was stuck. I was gray to all things in my world.
I didn't care so much; I lost my passion, and I lost my emotions.
I lost sight of my self, and what I really wanted out of my life.
And then there was a catalyst that sparked events which led me to this point.
Before the beginning of this year, I had some great times, with a great person.
There were horrible down periods, and feelings of extreme distress, and unhappiness, of course, but... I didn't feel trapped.
I was, however, denying major portions of myself, though I always wanted to be completely candid with not only her, but myself as well.
I never got the chance... and I don't feel its necessary to do so anymore, nor with anyone who isn't required to know.
I'm glad that I had that experience with her, and hope for the best, always, for her. I truly do. But what's past is past, and I've moved on from the negative feelings of that time.
It was nice while it lasted and I'll always hold a special place for her~
She was, and these events were, an important catalyst for the "me" of now.
In general, when it comes to my feelings, thoughts, desires... I've always been a very secretive, closed individual.
I don't seem like it, but, I don't divulge much, if anything, really.
I just seem like I'm transparent, and I know that I'm hiding things all the time.
Even things that I don't need to hide :/
The most important facets of myself I'm no longer denying, nor ignoring.
And its frightening me, because I'm losing control over myself.
I'm losing that tight, strict control over what I do, when, and the analysis of my emotional patterns that I've come to rely on to stay grounded.
The shoulder on which I leaned to flourish in my true self, comfortably... I never want to lose, but... at the same time...
...I can't help but worry that it isn't going to turn out the way I hope and with each passing day my worries only continue to grow...
I know that I'm a pessimist, overall; I recognize that.
I also recognize that if anything goes terribly wrong, it'll be my call and my doing. This time.
This time... I see that its going to be me, if anything happens.
Just... right now... I don't know...
I don't feel confident in this path...
I need something to make me feel like things are going to work out.
I need someone who is strong, confident, and motivated.
I need someone with a drive to succeed, who will push me through when I need pushing, or I fall behind.
I need someone with passion, who will inspire me, and raise my hopes for humanity when the bad times roll around.
I need someone with a plan, who has a good head on their shoulders, is knowledgeable, and can teach me something new once in a while about life, love, and what it means to be happy.
I need someone with whom I am compatible, won't judge me, and will allow me to be free in my own existence; not try to control me as most everyone does.
...not just someone who just plays games all the time, listens to my words less and less each day, and has become comfortable in a lifestyle that, frankly, is monotonous and directionless...
...I can't live with that... just as I can't live with this horrendous lifestyle in which I've lumped myself.
They're both so... unhealthy.
I'm trying to change, but... I feel like my worries, as I've voiced until now result in minor, short lived appeasements...
I don't ask about "what you want to do" for curiousity or for fun... I ask because I need some assurance, if I'm going to invest in this "team".
It seems, and possibly wrongly, that all you want to do is "have fun"... the entire time you left, for a stint, that's all you did.. the "same old thing" in a different environment, from the sounds of it. Though I don't know entirely, and I don't need to know.
I'm also living in a pattern now, and its killing me... I absolutely abhor it.
I can't stand the monotony, and the repetition is wearing on my consciousness...
Living like that... I used to think would be okay; stable.
I would spend hours playing games, and wasting days to reach completion or get a trophy, or achievement.
But, now... there's no way I could live for anything other than living with what I feel gives me a purpose.
Something I feel passionate for, and that is intrinsically motivating for me.
Seeing you in your pattern, as I live in mine..
It only serves to hurt me, having to manage with it all...
When B used to do the same things to me that you are doing, often, though I don't always speak of it to you... it would sting. Really bad.
B would sit and ignore my words; if they were listening, they wouldn't acknowledge any of it.
Gaming was always more important, it seemed.
How small I would feel... I wanted to curl up and disappear.
I would cry myself to sleep, a lot, because I felt so alone and helpless.
I really did feel dejected, and I did give up; entirely.
I was just moving on the motions of the tide; ignoring my compass.
The parallels are strong, and they're very painful... they bring up bad times, bad memories, and negative feelings I would just as soon never remember...
I try to ignore this all, but, its the truth.. it hurts me.
I'll never ask someone to change for me; we're all who we are, and need to find our own ways.
But if this is the way things are going to be, forever... I can't stay here...
I have to move on, if that's the case...
I'm lost, confused, hurt, and uncomfortable...
You did make me completely comfortable, once... and its wonderful when you do.
When the good times come around, I'm beaming with positivity.
But... I'm ignoring the things that scare me the most, all the time.
Not to mention how much I scare myself.
Humans are more than capable of many terrible, evil, vile, and disgusting things...
I know what I'm capable of... and now that I feel as though I'm coming apart, slowly but surely...
...I'm not so sure of what will become of me, in the end.
...I'm even less sure of what I'll do...
I could just ignore it, delete all this text, and pretend that things are okay, and continue to go on ignoring the issues that bother me to no end, but...
I can't do that anymore. Honesty is always the best policy.
And I only ever want to be honest with people I care about.'
When I fail in that... I don't forgive myself.
And so I'll sit, and try to decipher this compass' coordinates... hoping that one day it will guide me where I need to go.
But, as it stands, right now, I feel the pressure of the anchor giving way, little by little; ever so slightly.
And I'm terrified.