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My body feels so full of helium, I feel like my feet aren't going to stay on the ground much longer...!
My soul feels so full of warmth, I feel like my body may melt away...
My heart feels so full of love, I feel like its being stolen...

No, not stolen...
But given away...

Given to you.

No, in fact...
I've already given you my self.

Your voice... the sound of you...
Its soothing to my core, and takes my breath away.

You calm my soul...
Ease my fears...
Fill my heart...
Lick my wounds and dab my tears...

Without even being in the same room...

This love knows no distance...
And even though you're so very far away, we can bridge this gap...

In time, we'll unite as one.

I've never known a soul-mate... but I know you...
And I know that we're perfect together.

ILU "R"~<3
As I love - forever.
============

All I need is you, and I know I'll always be happy~
You're just so fantastically amazing, that I can't believe I'm so lucky as to have you~

I'm so glad you have me too~<3
In what do I take true solace?
In whom do I truly rely on for a shoulder to rest?
Am I really as confused as I feel I am, or am I just overwhelmed and overworked?

I work 7 days a week.
I don't know what my direction is, and I'm struggling with my compass, trying to decipher where it wants to point me.

I give a lot, I take a little, and I ultimately just continue to hope.
I hope that I can get where I want to be, though I'm not 100% sure where that is exactly...

This duality of mine isn't easy.
It's as complicated as things come, to say the least, and with the more comfortable I become with one side or the other, the more pressures that appear.

One can't make all others happy with their decisions.
One can try to make oneself happy, though others impact one no matter the amount of contingencies one plans for.

I want what I fear I can't have, and I am whom I fear won't be accepted; not entirely.
Complexity comes with many options, though, at great costs.

I thought I could rely on a singular entity outside of myself; that this shoulder was solid.
It really isn't... not entirely..

This shoulder doesn't know where it wants to go, nor what it wants to do.
This shoulder doesn't exude the feeling of confidence, nor ease my worries as it used to...
 
I doubt this shoulder... and it sucks that I do..
It's difficult to take comfort in something when little things make me feel more pressured, and the uncertainty of all things lingers in the shadow...

Sadly, that turns me away...
I can't help it, but I feel deterred...

When I feel like I don't have any power to control my direction, I feel lost.
When I feel like I don't have any influence over those who matter to me, I feel hopeless.
When I feel like my words fall on deaf ears, I feel small.
When I feel like I can't make the call for myself, and that its not "up to me", I feel trapped.

I hate feeling trapped; inside, I'll always be "uncageable".

"So... maybe I'm supposed to be... well... 'alone'..?"

...I can't help but have this thought creep upon me...

Just as one can't please everyone, nor can the duality of my essence be calmed or satiated.
When one half feels comfortable, the other is neglected...

..I just... I feel so confused...
...So uneasy...

...I feel my anchor tugging at the sea floor, and the creeping of a feeling inside of me...

I've always said that "if I don't feel 100%, and I doubt, I prefer to eject and avoid unnecessary issues".
This is the main issue... I don't want to eject. I want to weigh the anchor.

...But, as each day goes on, I feel less confident that I truly should where I have right now...
...I don't know...

Maybe I just need space?
Maybe I just need some time to figure things out?
Maybe I'm not sure what I want anymore...?
Maybe I'll never be sure...

...the more I feel wholly myself, the more I feel hopeless; the more I feel confused.
It doesn't matter what I do or say... I feel like its not up to me.
I'm always at the mercy of others, and it stirs aggression in me.
It stirs the feelings that I need to rebel and fight back, as I always have, and take command of my own direction.

..on the other hand, half of me recedes; wanting to shrink back and out of the way...
That said, I'm not sure I even know where my "own direction" is...

I just.. I want things to be simple...
I want my life to be as I've hoped for, for so long...

I want more time for the things that matter.
I want more time for me.
I don't get much of that anymore...

Before my "downfall" period, I had a lot of time to be carefree.
I didn't overwork myself, I stuck to schedules, was diligent enough in my schoolwork, and had a lot of social time, in activities and getting out of the house.
I would get exercise almost every day, and would see friends every weekend.
I would meditate, when I had the chance, and spend hours reading up on all of my interest, as well as digging into my favourite hobbies.
I had a lot of hobbies.
I would practice learning languages, and would write stories, scripts, plays, and novels.
I would film stupid projects with my friends, and upload them to the internet with the daydream that one day I'd make something great..
There's a lot I used to do.. wish I could do...

And then the bad times rolled in.
Once they passed, well, I was stuck. I was gray to all things in my world.
I didn't care so much; I lost my passion, and I lost my emotions.
I lost sight of my self, and what I really wanted out of my life.

And then there was a catalyst that sparked events which led me to this point.

Before the beginning of this year, I had some great times, with a great person.
There were horrible down periods, and feelings of extreme distress, and unhappiness, of course, but... I didn't feel trapped.
I was, however, denying major portions of myself, though I always wanted to be completely candid with not only her, but myself as well.
I never got the chance... and I don't feel its necessary to do so anymore, nor with anyone who isn't required to know.
I'm glad that I had that experience with her, and hope for the best, always, for her. I truly do. But what's past is past, and I've moved on from the negative feelings of that time.
It was nice while it lasted and I'll always hold a special place for her~
She was, and these events were, an important catalyst for the "me" of now. 

In general, when it comes to my feelings, thoughts, desires... I've always been a very secretive, closed individual.
I don't seem like it, but, I don't divulge much, if anything, really.
I just seem like I'm transparent, and I know that I'm hiding things all the time.
Even things that I don't need to hide :/

The most important facets of myself I'm no longer denying, nor ignoring.
And its frightening me, because I'm losing control over myself.
I'm losing that tight, strict control over what I do, when, and the analysis of my emotional patterns that I've come to rely on to stay grounded.
It's... uncomfortable.

The shoulder on which I leaned to flourish in my true self, comfortably... I never want to lose, but... at the same time...
...I can't help but worry that it isn't going to turn out the way I hope and with each passing day my worries only continue to grow...

I know that I'm a pessimist, overall; I recognize that.
I also recognize that if anything goes terribly wrong, it'll be my call and my doing. This time.
This time... I see that its going to be me, if anything happens.

Just... right now... I don't know...
I don't feel confident in this path...
I need something to make me feel like things are going to work out.

I need someone who is strong, confident, and motivated.
I need someone with a drive to succeed, who will push me through when I need pushing, or I fall behind.
I need someone with passion, who will inspire me, and raise my hopes for humanity when the bad times roll around.
I need someone with a plan, who has a good head on their shoulders, is knowledgeable, and can teach me something new once in a while about life, love, and what it means to be happy.
I need someone with whom I am compatible, won't judge me, and will allow me to be free in my own existence; not try to control me as most everyone does.

...not just someone who just plays games all the time, listens to my words less and less each day, and has become comfortable in a lifestyle that, frankly, is monotonous and directionless...
...I can't live with that... just as I can't live with this horrendous lifestyle in which I've lumped myself.
They're both so... unhealthy.

I'm trying to change, but... I feel like my worries, as I've voiced until now result in minor, short lived appeasements...
I don't ask about "what you want to do" for curiousity or for fun... I ask because I need some assurance, if I'm going to invest in this "team".
It seems, and possibly wrongly, that all you want to do is "have fun"... the entire time you left, for a stint, that's all you did.. the "same old thing" in a different environment, from the sounds of it. Though I don't know entirely, and I don't need to know.

I'm also living in a pattern now, and its killing me... I absolutely abhor it.
I can't stand the monotony, and the repetition is wearing on my consciousness...
Living like that... I used to think would be okay; stable.
I would spend hours playing games, and wasting days to reach completion or get a trophy, or achievement.
But, now... there's no way I could live for anything other than living with what I feel gives me a purpose.
Something I feel passionate for, and that is intrinsically motivating for me.
Seeing you in your pattern, as I live in mine..
It only serves to hurt me, having to manage with it all...

When B used to do the same things to me that you are doing, often, though I don't always speak of it to you... it would sting. Really bad. 
B would sit and ignore my words; if they were listening, they wouldn't acknowledge any of it.
Gaming was always more important, it seemed.
How small I would feel... I wanted to curl up and disappear.
I would cry myself to sleep, a lot, because I felt so alone and helpless.
I really did feel dejected, and I did give up; entirely.
I was just moving on the motions of the tide; ignoring my compass.

The parallels are strong, and they're very painful... they bring up bad times, bad memories, and negative feelings I would just as soon never remember...
I try to ignore this all, but, its the truth.. it hurts me.
A lot.

I'll never ask someone to change for me; we're all who we are, and need to find our own ways.
But if this is the way things are going to be, forever... I can't stay here...

I have to move on, if that's the case...
I'm lost, confused, hurt, and uncomfortable...

You did make me completely comfortable, once... and its wonderful when you do.
When the good times come around, I'm beaming with positivity.

But... I'm ignoring the things that scare me the most, all the time.
Not to mention how much I scare myself.

Humans are more than capable of many terrible, evil, vile, and disgusting things...
I know what I'm capable of... and now that I feel as though I'm coming apart, slowly but surely...

...I'm not so sure of what will become of me, in the end.
...I'm even less sure of what I'll do...

I could just ignore it, delete all this text, and pretend that things are okay, and continue to go on ignoring the issues that bother me to no end, but...
I can't do that anymore. Honesty is always the best policy.

And I only ever want to be honest with people I care about.'
When I fail in that... I don't forgive myself.

And so I'll sit, and try to decipher this compass' coordinates... hoping that one day it will guide me where I need to go.
But, as it stands, right now, I feel the pressure of the anchor giving way, little by little; ever so slightly.

And I'm terrified.
Sometimes, one can't help but think of the past.
Sometimes, one can't help but think of the possibilities of what could have been.

Everything that I've done, seen, said, not done, not seen, and not said, have led me to this moment.
They have led me to the person that I am now.

To the place where I weigh anchor.

To all those that I've loved, lost, and long but left behind, know that all I've said, I've meant.
Whether positive, negative, true, false, in anger, in sadness, in happiness, and in heart.

To those that I've loved...
I do.

To those I've righted...
I don't ask for thanks.

To those I've wronged...
I accept my failings.

To those I've yet to meet, marry, maim, or mind...
Well... one can only deal with the moments as presented.

No point dwelling on the past.
No point dwelling on possibilities.

Like a kitten in a kite, sometimes, you just have to learn to cope in a way that works for you~<3
The shifting tides may try to stray this ship off course, but our compass will allow me to navigate my way to shore.
Je t'aime~

No doubts.
No fear.
No uncertainty.

I don't care what others say should be best, nor what they expect of me, nor whom I should love.
Je t'aime~

Us, united; together forever.
Je t'aime~

More than words can express, I'll express by actions.
And now, I weigh my anchor in the harbour of your heart.

I've never been happier with anyone than I am with you.
Je t'aime~

Forever <3
_______________________________________________________________
I truly, deeply, feel your love in every thread of my core, and ounce of my soul.
You're so genuine, positive, grounded, and comforting.

I love how you stay up with me all night, every night, as I sleep, and as do you.
I love how we're connected on every level, and are nothing but positive influences for one another.
I love how you're accepting of every part of me, particularly what I can't express/talk about...

Only with you, can I be myself, completely, comfortably, and unconditionally.

You're so good to me, and you say that I'm good to you too... that's fantastic~
I'm so overwhelmingly happy, and have been ever since we started talking...
I'm so glad that we met, by complete happenstance, when you read my review...

...Fate.
It's led me to you~

I'll never complain again about positives/negatives... The flow is natural.
You're the "grand positive" to all of the "sheer negative" that I've ever felt.

Thank you for putting my heart back in it's proper place. I missed it...
And now that it's back, I feel the weight of your love filling in my gaps, and then some, every moment that we're together.

I always say that once I love, I love forever...
I have no doubts that "we" will be for eternity.

Thank you.
And thank you to everyone that helped me on my journey to this point~

Je t'aime~ <3
...I'm so happy I could scream~~!!

(Though, I shouldn't... that might complicate things a tad~)
Whenever we talk, I'm always extremely comfortable with you. I feel only positivity, and have yet to have had any inkling of negativity at all coming off of you. Unlike in past experiences, where there are major bursts of positive which are nice, followed by negative stints that I try to foolishly overlook, with you, I don't see any of that negativity following up the positive, nor have you ever made me feel bad in any such way, thus far.

We only talk positively, interact in positive ways, and, quite honestly, hearing your voice is the most positive thing to grace my ears each and every day~
You have a wonderful, soothing, "radio" voice~ :F

I smile as soon as I hear it, everytime~~

That said... for now, I do have to decline any offers of a relationship...
And I want to explain why! So don't think its for the wrong reasons, please!

You're an amazing person, who only fills my life with positivity, and really makes me feel great to be alive, and be myself, and be comfortable being as such.
You're funny, intelligent, honest, friendly, caring, giving, and even though you say you're being "selfish", I'm glad that you're being selfish about me.

When I say that I need to decline any offers at the moment, I mean it universally. It has nothing to do with you, personally; its me being selfish, in a way that I feel I have to be.
As you're aware, I'm not nearly selfish enough... Though, I'm sure you're also aware that timing, and logistics fit into my approaches as well; very substantially.

In this way, I really just feel that I shouldn't be in a relationship right now, and I'd like to explain why, so you don't misunderstand me.
I told you before that I feel "up in the air", and this is still true.

I'm at a time in my life, right now, where I don't know where I'm going to end up, what I'm going to do with my life, nor where the tides of change are going to pull me. It's an ever-changing world, with many opportunities, pathways, and obstacles. Needless to say, with my million-odd hobbies and interests, that my sails are picking up wind, and my rudder is geared towards unknown lands at the moment. I don't know, exactly, what I'm going to do with my life, nor when, nor how, nor where. I don't feel its right to hitch myself to another until I've pinned myself down, and find myself on calmer waters.

I hope that makes sense to you..?

Let me put it this way...
I don't want to lose you from my life, either.

If we were to make a go of something, and unknown tides pulled us apart in such a way that would necessitate a break up, it would greatly compromise what we have now, and I never want that. And it being so close to my scholastic end-goal, I'm feeling more and more like I need to focus on it, plow it out, and then break off from it as soon as possible, so that I can pin myself down. Once I've finished, and figured my direction out, then I'll be comfortable hitching myself to another's wagon. I just don't want to commit to something, only to have time, opportunity, or other obstacles break down what was built up; and I'm certain there will be big changes coming, for me, in the following months. I don't want to hurt you in any way, ever. I just want you to understand why I can't be "yours", at this point in time. My last relationship, as I've told you, was not planned. I'm grateful that I had it, and for the experiences, and the person I spent time with, but ultimately I didn't mean for it to happen as it did, nor "end" in such a way. That said, regardless of that ending, I'm still open to her, as a friend, if she ever needs.

I want that to be us, too.
I want to stay open to you; stay positive, stay supportive, stay 'friends' no matter what.

I want to be your friend forever.
I don't want to compromise that.

As with others, I feel like we were supposed to meet, and our paths were meant to cross as they have.
I'm so very glad for that~~

As such, I'm not saying "no" forever; I'm only saying that I need to make sure my life is in order before I hitch it to another's; regardless of how amazing that other person is (yes; you~).

I just believe that "friends" are more flexible with regards to these things, than anything more intimate would be. Not to say I ever want you to hold off on your intimacy; its lovely~
I just mean.. well...

I really don't want you to take this the wrong way, nor do I want to sound like I'm not interested at all...
I just... really feel, intuitively, that I need to hold off until I'm "grounded" before committing to anyone, again.
And, well, you know I'm not one to ignore my intuitions.

That said... I see no foreseeable circumstance that would pull me away from you, nor any side-swipers who would swoop in and snatch me up~
I have a general aversion to relationships, as it is, so... that's in there, but, trust me, that's not why I'm saying 'no' to you, right now~
If anything, I feel drawn to you~

I just really feel like we need to hold off on "commitment" right now, and not because I don't care, or because I want to "play the field" or anything.
Its solely because I don't want to 'play the field', nor do I want to tie myself down in a way that could potentially hurt you, or myself, in any way that need not happen.

You're a fantastic person, who I really, really care about, and I don't want us to turn negative for each other in any way, if it can be helped.
As per humanity, I know its hard to not "want more" from something or someone, and I can tell that you do, from me, which is why I think its important that I tell you this now.

I'm not saying 'no' forever, and I'm not saying that I don't, necessarily, want to make a go, but... I really, really just can't right now.

That said... when I'm ready, I'll let you know, before anyone else~
I promise~

I only want to be honest with you, and this is important for me.
I need to set straight my life, and ground my direction before I'll be comfortable enough to be with anyone, again.

That doesn't mean I want anything between us to change~! Quite the opposite; I want it to stay the same, until I'm where I need to be~!

Maybe it doesn't entirely make sense to you, but, to me, it only makes sense. Maybe I think in a strange way, I don't know.
Its something I need to do; figure out my direction, and set my sights on land, before I "drop the anchor", so to speak...

...though, that sounds a bit heavy xD haha~

So... yes~
Let's just keep on with what we have now, for now, until later, mmkay~? :) <3

deviantID

Gwidhw
Gwidhw
Artist | Hobbyist | Varied
Canada
SCULPEY IS AN AMAZING INVENTION O.O
BIOSHOCK IS AN AMAZING SERIES O.O

I like to sculpt and sketch in my spare time, as well as make short films. I'm also getting into amateur photography :)

Can you say "Renaissance"?? :P
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:iconhyerahizyb:
Hyerahizyb Featured By Owner May 7, 2015  Student General Artist
≥.≤ thanks for watching :)
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:icongwidhw:
Gwidhw Featured By Owner May 7, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
No problemo~~~! :D
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:icondisturbed66:
disturbed66 Featured By Owner Apr 19, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
Lovely photos!

(tis disfox)
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:icongwidhw:
Gwidhw Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
Ooh, hey! I know you! :D
And thanks~~!
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:icondisturbed66:
disturbed66 Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
hehehe
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:iconseika:
seika Featured By Owner Feb 10, 2015   Artist
thanks for the watch! :iconcutehiplz:
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:icontvd-photography:
TVD-Photography Featured By Owner Jul 12, 2014  Professional Photographer
Thank you for the fave on Clown Fish III :huggle: ^-^
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:icongwidhw:
Gwidhw Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
No problemo! It's goooood :D
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:iconkibalover028:
kibalover028 Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2014  Student Writer
Thankyou for joining:iconlove-writing: I hope you enjoy our group:)
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:icongwidhw:
Gwidhw Featured By Owner Jul 8, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you :)
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